Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
