Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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