It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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