walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
