He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
