I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
