saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
