Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
