Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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