You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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