I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
