i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
