im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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