I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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