i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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