Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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