Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
