i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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