i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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