Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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