apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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