You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
