if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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