Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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