my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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