I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Do vagina's smell?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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