No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
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