i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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