I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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