awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
