my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
