My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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