she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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