I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
