I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
