my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
