Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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