I'm really into asian looking animals
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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