So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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