last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Randomize
