um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
