I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
