i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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