I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
