next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My bed smells like the plague
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
