I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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