On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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