I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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