I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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