Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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