i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
