Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
