You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
She said her name was "party"
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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