I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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